Taking a deep breath. It’s been two years since my last update and I don’t even know where to start. The world as I knew it no longer exists and time has just simply stopped. Everything in my life has been shaken up and dumped out onto the floor. And my life will forever be marked with a thick black line. Dividing it into two parts: before my beautiful, wonderful mom passed away and after. A year of every life roll that could happen culminating into the death of my mom has been the darkest time in my life. What followed was an awful year of raw grief and dark emptiness, deeper and blacker than I’ve ever known. And all those horrible firsts you endure in the process (first holidays, first birthday, first anniversary).
Her sudden death was right in front of me feels like it was yesterday and the why didn’t I’s make me ache in ways I never knew I could hurt. She died in my arms and shattered my heart into a million tiny pieces. I try to put all those pieces back together, but they don’t fit right anymore. And some are just missing. To say goodbye to one of the most important and influential champions in my life was a goodbye my heart and my soul didn’t know how to say. The stark emptiness of the house we shared (we were roommates and best friends to the end) is still so painful and the dark heaviness remains where her bright light once made my world a gentler, connected place.
She was my best friend, my partner in crime, my first reader—my rock. She read every story and every novel I ever wrote, wanting me to keep writing no matter what. She taught me to read and write and to love books and because of her, I am a writer. And those times of feeling completely lost without her are just beginning as I’m still trying to learn how to go on without her. One foot at a time. One moment at a time. Getting up from the floor.
So, this is my first post in a long, long while. In her honor, I am going back to my roots. Starting tomorrow, I am going to start a Novel Dare with my long-time friend, writer Ron Collins. The terms of the dare are simple: write the first draft of a novel in 30 days. So, tomorrow, October 1st, we begin. Ron and I will each be marking our progress online. For me: on Facebook and in more detailed blog posts here.